Your Childhood Love Isn't Like Adulthood Love

I just left another eye-opening therapy session. I find it fascinating how our subconscious can show us previous experiences or trauma in different places in our life. For example the love you were given as a child, can effect the relationships as you get older. Not only romantically, as my therapist we try to make our childhood relationship come to life and be better than before. Our friendships, we look for the same type of relationships that we've been around and the type of love that we recieived as a child.

For my story, our session opened my eyes to how the dysfunctional relationship with my mom, has triggered other female relationships in my life. I have grew walls around me for many reasons as a since of protection from what might hurt me, or my struggles I have been through my whole life. My therapist opened my eyes to see that, those in my life that have a positive relationship as a mother and daughter, or as a family, makes me immediately retract from being around those situations.

Now I come to realize this recognition of my dysfunctional love from my mom, caused triggered from strange aspects of my life and a jealousy of happiness of a relationship I will never have.

Trying to explain this to someone who has a strong relationship with their family and parents may not grasp this way of life for us. So what can we do? What can we say that would help us if we get into these funks?  Maybe they won't have answers. Maybe they can't help like you want them too, with the expectations of validation of what you want.

Right now this is brought a HUGE eye opener about the positive relationships I want and need in my life. I have to recognize the cognitive thoughts I have that probably aren't true. If you can relate to this, I would like to hear your feedback on how you learn to put your past triggers aside so you can learn and develop at healthy positive relationship.

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Pull the E-Brake!

We all know that if we wake up on the wrong side of the bed, it can make for quite a crazy and moody morning. For me, that cranky is riding with me all the way to work. It's on my shoulder walking with me into the building, all the way to my desk. Then I can usually start to unwind with my routine.

This morning something had put my stress in 5th gear with no signs of stopping. From brushing my teeth staring at myself in the mirror, I just read my face like this day already is going to be horrible. I changed my outfit at least 7 times, and comtimplated putting on make-up for 10 minutes. I stared at myself and thought, what can I wear that makes me feel comfortable. Does it really matter if I put on make-up? No. (I usually don't anyways for work because I sit a cube all day.) Will anyone else care? No. So what can I do for myself? So I threw on one of my favorite t-shirts, a jacket, and my new pizza vans shoes.

After the rainy gloomy drive in, I knew that work was going to be slow motion and last for hours and hours. I sit down and log into my computer, pull up my email, and I still can't catch my breath from the stress of getting ready at home. A lot of it came from how my jeans were fitting. I could definately be bloated, and us females can relate. To be so self-conscious about my jeans fitting was going to ruin my whole day. That was the thought that was hanging over me. I wasn't paying attention to the jokes my friend and I were talking about on Facebook. I wasn't really talking to my work friends and laughing like we usually do. This ONE thought. This ONE silly stressor, was my morning. So now it's after lunch, and I finally said F&*K it.

I heard some lady somewhere talk about this stain she had on her shirt after  eating breakfast, and didn't see it until she got to work. She was so paranoid that everyone saw it when they talked to her. What everyone would think of her with this tiny stain on her shirt. But in the end, no one even mentioned it. No one really cared about it. And, co-workers didn't even notice it. She mentioned, why should we focus on these tiny thoughts that or silly, when it's not that HUGE to anyone else. Why should be spend our energy on the little things that won't matter tomorrow, or 2 years later? This is definitely easier than said.

Remember the people who love you just for the way that you are, even if your jeans feel like leg casts. Keep your head held up high when you walk. Take each day with a light heart. Make a list of the important blessings you have in your life rather than dragging yourself down about how you wish you didnt' have these jeans on, but rather I have a great boyfriend and loves me and supports my pizza shoes.

I know I'm not the only female out there with these thoughts, so just know that all of us girls get it.

 - DC xoxo

Distractions: The Shiny Things We Should Avoid

I recently read an article that hit points about hyperfixation, which I just learned is a bunch of spratic distractions to keep us from our depressing and anxiety thoughts. And after reading, I thought this is exactly what is going on with me.

Lately, I have been staying up until 2-3am every night binge watching tv. And this article helped me realize that it is from distracting me from a trigger about going to bed. I will sleep on the couch a few days a week, just to keep from going to sleep in my bedroom. Now, I would say my art and hobbies are completely different because they give me a stress release. The creative challenges focus my mind in different ways, than ignoring my sprialing thoughts.

This past Sunday night, it was almost 2:30am and I had to talk myself about conquering my fear. I took my bedtime meds as usual, and went to lay down in bed. My thoughts were ramping up fast and swimming around and around and around in my mind. In moments like that, we have to immediately search for our coping tools. We have to stop our thoughts, focus on where we are in the moment, and tell ourselves we are safe, etc. Eventually I fell asleep from what I thought was staying awake forever.

Triggers are an interesting thing. If you have been through trauma, your brain can instantly, and I mean in a second, can bring up all the emotions, exact feelings, and put you right back to what is getting you through your therapy. As someone with PTSD, triggers are your worst enemy. I am learning that my strength is growing as we conquer daily fears. Therapy helps us look at things from a different perspective. Almost like an out of body experience. I can tell how I would have handled things in the old Dani ways. I think about how long it would have ruined my mood, if not my day. It would have stayed in my mind and I would have spiralled down the long dark tunnel of my past.

So when we get hit with our triggers, we have to immediately catch ourselves. We have to think past our fears. We have to know that our strengths are getting even stronger with each trigger we get hit with.

After long softball games last night, I went to bed early. I told myself that I am safe in my apartment. I am going to fall asleep and tomorrow will be a great day. Even if we don't think that we are strong, we have to learn to feel it. Or if you have to fake it until you make it, your mind will make you feel like you are. You will realize things aren't as worse as maybe you imagine.

I want us to all conquer one fear we have this week. It can be a small one, like not being afraid to walk behind someone in the hallway to the elevators at work. (For some reason, I am terrified about this). Remember you are stronger than you believe. Think of all the things that you have overcome since today.

-DC xoxo