Depression and anxiety is different for each person living it. This is my life with it. Depression is feeling like you are walking in tar all the time. You are pulling your legs just to walk and stand up. Sometimes you have no idea why the tar is there. Sometimes it's deeper once day, and others its just a puddle. Your whole body feels numb. It's not a sore feeling like you exercised hard the day before, but heavy from your shoulders to your feet. After a full day of work, you want to get straight to bed and sleep forever really. Sleep makes all of the stress, tar, numbness away. It's really an escape.
Getting ready in the morning might as well be hiking a mountain. Just taking care of yourself, daily things, seems like the impossible. Let's not forget about Depression's best friend, Anxiety. So now that we have all of the Depression happening, let's add Anxiety. Anxiety is always on your shoulder saying what exactly could go wrong in every situation, in a million ways. You feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest, and your heart feels like it's going to explode out of your chest. You cannot focus on anything else, but worries on what is going to make you fail.
Again, this is just my description of my symptoms. Everyone can be experiencing this differently. My depression and anxiety come from trauma. I take medication to ease my triggers, and daily struggles. There is a lot of debate about medicine or not, but it's a personal choice. The people who are suffering or recovering will only be those who can understand the best.
So my trauma happened as a child, I now have PTSD. My triggers can happen at any moment, from seeing something that reminds me, a specific smell, or even a hug. Statistics say that from a trauma, or mental illness can also bring on an addiction. Some it's drugs, sex, etc. Mine is food.
I have a Binge Eating Disorder. It's actually the most common eating disorder in the U.S. Some may roll their eyes reading from this, and I would say you have the right to have an opinion. BED is characterized by recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food. This is to the point of pain. Eating until it hurts, very quickly every episode. Then after you eat, you feel hateful about yourself. You feel even more depressed, shamed, and guilt. When you eat, you feel like you cannot stop and it's out of your control. Then the next day to make yourself better, you don't eat because you feel like you don't deserve to because of how much food you ate the day before.
Food has always been a comfort zone for my whole family, so naturally it is for me. Then my trauma made it even worse. I have been told my whole life that your appearance will judge your success in life. Your hair, make-up, size, etc. has to be to a perfectionist standard. So once I started gaining weight, it was drowning for me. I was failing at life and I was a disappointment.
When I started therapy for my first year, it was the hardest. I was just getting out of a verbally abusive relationship, which was a revisit from my childhood, and trying to learn how to handle myself. Most anti-depressants help create the chemical balance of your brain. They also increase your appetite. I started therapy mid-2014 and since then the weight has hit hard. The winter of 2015, I decided to stop and make a change. It is the biggest struggle I have ever had to do. It takes every ounce in my body to fight the addiction of eating. Everyday I have to tell myself what I want from this change. The negative comments I have received over the year, just make me want this more for myself.
I wanted to write about this today, because this is the first day in a while I broke down and binged.
I have to remind myself, that it is ok to take a break, but I cannot stay in this place. It is important to recognized where you are in the process of change and know that it is ok. Breaks are allowed in life. It's about a balance. It's about changing to a new lifestyle. I want people to read this knowing they are not alone. We all should support others for pushing themselves for a better life. And if you have working hard, keep it up. Even with those bad days, know that tomorrow will be a good day. You are worth the happiness and life you want.
Keep the Journey going.
-DC xoxo
