I recently read an article that hit points about hyperfixation, which I just learned is a bunch of spratic distractions to keep us from our depressing and anxiety thoughts. And after reading, I thought this is exactly what is going on with me.
Lately, I have been staying up until 2-3am every night binge watching tv. And this article helped me realize that it is from distracting me from a trigger about going to bed. I will sleep on the couch a few days a week, just to keep from going to sleep in my bedroom. Now, I would say my art and hobbies are completely different because they give me a stress release. The creative challenges focus my mind in different ways, than ignoring my sprialing thoughts.
This past Sunday night, it was almost 2:30am and I had to talk myself about conquering my fear. I took my bedtime meds as usual, and went to lay down in bed. My thoughts were ramping up fast and swimming around and around and around in my mind. In moments like that, we have to immediately search for our coping tools. We have to stop our thoughts, focus on where we are in the moment, and tell ourselves we are safe, etc. Eventually I fell asleep from what I thought was staying awake forever.
Triggers are an interesting thing. If you have been through trauma, your brain can instantly, and I mean in a second, can bring up all the emotions, exact feelings, and put you right back to what is getting you through your therapy. As someone with PTSD, triggers are your worst enemy. I am learning that my strength is growing as we conquer daily fears. Therapy helps us look at things from a different perspective. Almost like an out of body experience. I can tell how I would have handled things in the old Dani ways. I think about how long it would have ruined my mood, if not my day. It would have stayed in my mind and I would have spiralled down the long dark tunnel of my past.
So when we get hit with our triggers, we have to immediately catch ourselves. We have to think past our fears. We have to know that our strengths are getting even stronger with each trigger we get hit with.
After long softball games last night, I went to bed early. I told myself that I am safe in my apartment. I am going to fall asleep and tomorrow will be a great day. Even if we don't think that we are strong, we have to learn to feel it. Or if you have to fake it until you make it, your mind will make you feel like you are. You will realize things aren't as worse as maybe you imagine.
I want us to all conquer one fear we have this week. It can be a small one, like not being afraid to walk behind someone in the hallway to the elevators at work. (For some reason, I am terrified about this). Remember you are stronger than you believe. Think of all the things that you have overcome since today.
-DC xoxo
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