They Won't Let You Fall, So Let Them Catch You.

It's been a while since I've written. Some of my time was spent catching up on work tasks, and other times it was figuring out new topics to talk about. I don't have a schedule of certain topics, or list of ideas. I sort of approach it as sharing lessons I am learning in my life, when they happen. Life isn't planned out, and it's impossible for it to be like that. So, to jump back into it, let's talk about support.

I'm talking about the support of friends, family, co-workers, and others. The people we confide in. The people we trust. The people we hold close. The people who love and accept you just how you are.

Depression can get in the way and cause obstacles in between you and your support. There are days when you feel like you want to hide in the corner, or sleep to escape it all. Even if your friends are trying to make plans with you. There are times when I feel like, "I really want to see you, but I am so tired and have no energy." Frankly, I just want to be left alone. From time to time, that is just fine. But it cannot turn into a habit. As someone with depression, my therapist has taught me that we have to make plans to stay away from slumping and retracting from our loved ones. We have to remember why they are in our lives, and how special they are to us. We have to make plans with our loved ones to help with our recovery.

Because it is physically impossible for anyone to literally know what you are feeling, we have to give tips and ways they can help you when you are down in the dumps. It is OK to tell your friend you are having one of those days. It's OK to tell them what is going on that is bringing you down. It is OK to tell yourself you deserve these people. It is OK to tell your self you deserve positive people in your life.

I've highlighted the things that it is to be OK about. This is one of the biggest things I have to tell myself. Growing up, it was no mistakes, has to be perfect, plan ahead, and if not you were a failure.

But that is the complete opposite of how it goes. Mistakes will happen and it is OK. Life is not perfect and it is OK. And to not have a plan is OK.

With all of this said, I wanted to share what's been going on lately and maybe this can relate to someone and help them too. Over the last 2 years, I have went through some pretty big changes. Changes that were never acceptable as a kid, for example the number on the scale. With the anxiety that comes with that as changes happen, it has been a bumpy road to learn how to take care of yourself and be happy with the changes teaching me about self-love and not the exterior.

I had a bridal shower to attend to last weekend, and I had a huge anxiety attack right before showing up. Some of these people I haven't  seen in a while. What would they think of me? They will probably tell friends, and I don't want to be in any photos.  

Later, I cried in the bathroom because I don't look like I used to, what I was trained to look like, what I thought was perfection.

I have a great support system that loves me just the way I am. They support me on the good days and bad. Even when I'm crying in the bathroom and can't speak clearly because I am just spilling my guts.

So I want to hear how you love yourself everyday? What do you do that makes you happy? How to you push society away from the beauty standards and accept yourself and your journey? I want all of this to bring up the uncomfortable situation, and help each other learn to love ourselves.

- DC

Escaping the Monster of Control

It's been too long since I last wrote and I can feel the effects coming on. Today is a hard day. As someone with anxiety and depression, the bad days can feel like sandbags on your shoulder. Let me try to explain what that feels like. First, there are a ton of images and articles trying to describe what anxiety and depression feels like. I am no professional, but I can tell what I've experienced over the years.

Depression and anxiety is different for each person living it. This is my life with it. Depression is feeling like you are walking in tar all the time. You are pulling your legs just to walk and stand up. Sometimes you have no idea why the tar is there. Sometimes it's deeper once day, and others its just a puddle. Your whole body feels numb. It's not a sore feeling like you exercised hard the day before, but heavy from your shoulders to your feet. After a full day of work, you want to get straight to bed and sleep forever really. Sleep makes all of the stress, tar, numbness away. It's really an escape.

Getting ready in the morning might as well be hiking a mountain. Just taking care of yourself, daily things, seems like the impossible. Let's not forget about Depression's best friend, Anxiety. So now that we have all of the Depression happening, let's add Anxiety. Anxiety is always on your shoulder saying what exactly could go wrong in every situation, in a million ways. You feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest, and your heart feels like it's going to explode out of your chest. You cannot focus on anything else, but worries on what is going to make you fail.

Again, this is just my description of my symptoms. Everyone can be experiencing this differently. My depression and anxiety come from trauma. I take medication to ease my triggers, and daily struggles. There is a lot of debate about medicine or not, but it's a personal choice. The people who are suffering or recovering will only be those who can understand the best.

So my trauma happened as a child, I now have PTSD. My triggers can happen at any moment, from seeing something that reminds me, a specific smell, or even a hug. Statistics say that from a trauma, or mental illness can also bring on an addiction. Some it's drugs, sex, etc. Mine is food.

I have a Binge Eating Disorder. It's actually the most common eating disorder in the U.S. Some may roll their eyes reading from this, and I would say you have the right to have an opinion. BED is characterized by recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food. This is to the point of pain. Eating until it hurts, very quickly every episode. Then after you eat, you feel hateful about yourself. You feel even more depressed, shamed, and guilt. When you eat, you feel like you cannot stop and it's out of your control. Then the next day to make yourself better, you don't eat because you feel like you don't deserve to because of how much food you ate the day before.

Food has always been a comfort zone for my whole family, so naturally it is for me. Then my trauma made it even worse. I have been told my whole life that your appearance will judge your success in life. Your hair, make-up, size, etc. has to be to a perfectionist standard. So once I started gaining weight, it was drowning for me. I was failing at life and I was a disappointment.

When I started therapy for my first year, it was the hardest. I was just getting out of a verbally abusive relationship, which was a revisit from my childhood, and trying to learn how to handle myself. Most anti-depressants help create the chemical balance of your brain. They also increase your appetite. I started therapy mid-2014 and since then the weight has hit hard. The winter of 2015, I decided to stop and make a change. It is the biggest struggle I have ever had to do. It takes every ounce in my body to fight the addiction of eating. Everyday I have to tell myself what I want from this change. The negative comments I have received over the year, just make me want this more for myself.

I wanted to write about this today, because this is the first day in a while I broke down and binged.

I have to remind myself, that it is ok to take a break, but I cannot stay in this place. It is important to recognized where you are in the process of change and know that it is ok. Breaks are allowed in life. It's about a balance. It's about changing to a new lifestyle. I want people to read this knowing they are not alone. We all should support others for pushing themselves for a better life. And if you have working hard, keep it up. Even with those bad days, know that tomorrow will be a good day. You are worth the happiness and life you want.

Keep the Journey going.
-DC xoxo