Escaping the Monster of Control

It's been too long since I last wrote and I can feel the effects coming on. Today is a hard day. As someone with anxiety and depression, the bad days can feel like sandbags on your shoulder. Let me try to explain what that feels like. First, there are a ton of images and articles trying to describe what anxiety and depression feels like. I am no professional, but I can tell what I've experienced over the years.

Depression and anxiety is different for each person living it. This is my life with it. Depression is feeling like you are walking in tar all the time. You are pulling your legs just to walk and stand up. Sometimes you have no idea why the tar is there. Sometimes it's deeper once day, and others its just a puddle. Your whole body feels numb. It's not a sore feeling like you exercised hard the day before, but heavy from your shoulders to your feet. After a full day of work, you want to get straight to bed and sleep forever really. Sleep makes all of the stress, tar, numbness away. It's really an escape.

Getting ready in the morning might as well be hiking a mountain. Just taking care of yourself, daily things, seems like the impossible. Let's not forget about Depression's best friend, Anxiety. So now that we have all of the Depression happening, let's add Anxiety. Anxiety is always on your shoulder saying what exactly could go wrong in every situation, in a million ways. You feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest, and your heart feels like it's going to explode out of your chest. You cannot focus on anything else, but worries on what is going to make you fail.

Again, this is just my description of my symptoms. Everyone can be experiencing this differently. My depression and anxiety come from trauma. I take medication to ease my triggers, and daily struggles. There is a lot of debate about medicine or not, but it's a personal choice. The people who are suffering or recovering will only be those who can understand the best.

So my trauma happened as a child, I now have PTSD. My triggers can happen at any moment, from seeing something that reminds me, a specific smell, or even a hug. Statistics say that from a trauma, or mental illness can also bring on an addiction. Some it's drugs, sex, etc. Mine is food.

I have a Binge Eating Disorder. It's actually the most common eating disorder in the U.S. Some may roll their eyes reading from this, and I would say you have the right to have an opinion. BED is characterized by recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food. This is to the point of pain. Eating until it hurts, very quickly every episode. Then after you eat, you feel hateful about yourself. You feel even more depressed, shamed, and guilt. When you eat, you feel like you cannot stop and it's out of your control. Then the next day to make yourself better, you don't eat because you feel like you don't deserve to because of how much food you ate the day before.

Food has always been a comfort zone for my whole family, so naturally it is for me. Then my trauma made it even worse. I have been told my whole life that your appearance will judge your success in life. Your hair, make-up, size, etc. has to be to a perfectionist standard. So once I started gaining weight, it was drowning for me. I was failing at life and I was a disappointment.

When I started therapy for my first year, it was the hardest. I was just getting out of a verbally abusive relationship, which was a revisit from my childhood, and trying to learn how to handle myself. Most anti-depressants help create the chemical balance of your brain. They also increase your appetite. I started therapy mid-2014 and since then the weight has hit hard. The winter of 2015, I decided to stop and make a change. It is the biggest struggle I have ever had to do. It takes every ounce in my body to fight the addiction of eating. Everyday I have to tell myself what I want from this change. The negative comments I have received over the year, just make me want this more for myself.

I wanted to write about this today, because this is the first day in a while I broke down and binged.

I have to remind myself, that it is ok to take a break, but I cannot stay in this place. It is important to recognized where you are in the process of change and know that it is ok. Breaks are allowed in life. It's about a balance. It's about changing to a new lifestyle. I want people to read this knowing they are not alone. We all should support others for pushing themselves for a better life. And if you have working hard, keep it up. Even with those bad days, know that tomorrow will be a good day. You are worth the happiness and life you want.

Keep the Journey going.
-DC xoxo

Always, Always Swing For the Fences

This week has been crazy at work with meetings, meetings, and meetings. But there was a big take away from it, which was surprising in the end. We spent about 3 hours learning about our different personality types. My first thought was, really? I know my personality and I'm happy with it. There is a science to your personality. How you communicate, how you need validation, and how to be receptive and understanding to others who aren't your personality type.

This test was called the Myers-Briggs test. Basically, two psychoanalysis's were like, "Hey, lets create this test about personalities for people to learn more about themselves.. blah blah blah." It was almost 100 questions, but it was all worth it in the end. There were 8 categories, basically opposites of each. (How we work together as a team. How we can communicate and grow together.)

After this week, I have learned a valuable lesson. You know when you have this brilliant idea, you feel the passion behind it, and when you execute it just they way you pictured, you get this high and addrenaline that you nailed it. I'm a creative type, so this is the feeling that I live for. I presented it to the big bosses of the department. At first, they loved it. We talked about how this will open doors to other channels, etc. Then that afternoon, my boss told me that the project was not really the representation that they had hoped.

A year ago if this happened, I would have stormed out of the office, going straight to the bathroom, and crying in the stall. I put my heart into this. I love my job and what I am able to do. But today was different, different for the better. I didn't leave the office crying. I wasn't upset or angry. I felt disheartened. I felt confused. BUT I didn't blame myself. I didn't question my worth. I didn't feel like I let my team down. I felt like this is not the end of my project.

I have been competitive all my life, and still am to this day. I want my ideas to be out of this world. I want to stand out and remembered as myself. I have played sports since I was 4yrs. old. I treat everything like a sports game. (Mostly baseball because it's my life, blood, and passion.) ANYWAYS. So in my terms, this is how today went.

It's the 6th or 7th inning of the game, the score is let's say, 5 to 3 my team in the lead. I'm up to bat. So far, I've had a few single hits, but nothing to gain a scoring run. But this time, I have 2 teammates on base. (Second base and Third base). Two outs and I step into the batter's box. First pitch, low inside. My presentation got some criticism, constructive I would say, but nothing bad. Second pitch, high outside. We collaborated a plan to how the project would play out through 2017. The third pitch. I have the feeling in my gut that I nailed it. My project was going to make a huge difference in my work, and set my team up for innovation over the next year. Here comes the fastball, right down the middle. I hit the ball and it's soaring through the outfield. The outfielder is running fast back too the wall. It's going to be out of the park. Then the player catches it over the wall. My project got declined, for whatever reasons. Some would probably say, well you left your teammates hanging, left on base. Yes, but. We're a team. We are still ahead in the score and the game isn't over. I gave that hit all my of swing and pushed out the power I have.

My team has my support. They encourage me to swing for the fences. If the opportunity arises for our team to "take the lead", then everyone comes together to go for the win. Is it a shutout everytime? No. Is it a complete beating? No. But it's a part of life. You will have different games everyday. You never know what the next pitch will be. The most important thing is you have the best team you can be with. Your team is your support. It's not an individual sport. You can be on a ton of teams. Family, friends, co-workers, groups, etc. My co-workers are family. We carry and push and encourage the best out of us. Together. Today didn't go as I had wanted to for something I worked hard on, but it's doesn't stop me. I want to get right back in the batter's box. It's true. If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. Next time you're around your team or teammate, tell them thank you. Tell them that you appreciate them. Tell them they are important on your team. Different personalities, different communication, and different signals are the not the same for everyone.

When they say swing for the fences, do it. Swing with everything you have. You deserve that chance to bat. You deserve to be apart of a team of support that wants that home-run as much as you do. And if you don't hit it, they are still there cheering for the next time.

Babe Ruth said it best, "Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game."

-DC