When I first started this blog, I wrote on topics that immediately came to mind. Lately, the posts have been spread out, and I try to write about different topics. My last post was about "13 Reasons Why", the newest Netflix Series to flip everyone's world around about the topic of suicide. Check out my previous post, to read more about my thoughts on the series. But this post, I want it to be about the triggers we trauma surviors experience. The immediate instances of the mind taking you right back to that moment, that feeling, even that's smell of the event. And if you suffered more than one trauma, one trigger can build and lead straight into the next.
For some reason, ever since "13 Reasons" I feel the need to watch tv shows and movies that immediately start a trigger. But series like Law and Order: SVU just seem like stories. Those stories can seem relatable.
I have a true love for documentaries and drama series. If you have survived horrible things in life, like trauma or sexual assualt, you can understand where I am coming from. It seems more often than not that new series or dramas can put a glimpse of assualt in a scene from the show. Horror movies are the worst. I love horror movies. I have since I was a kid. Of course as a kid, when it would show assault I had to turn it off. So now as an adult, I still find myself turning it off when I see assualt. But it's not just assault that triggers.
When I started therapy, my therapist said that one day my story of my trauma would be just that. It wouldn't have such an impact, it will feel like telling a sad story to someone. Right now in my journey, there are some chapters that I can tell and not feel hurt or relive those feelings. (Another reason I wanted to start my blog. I want to tell my story and hopefully someone who has gone through the same things will not feel alone.)
I've learned that triggers don't happen immediately. It can hit you later on the day or even weeks later. There have been movies I saw in the theaters and I got home and started crying. But why do we feel like we want to be triggered or watch the awful scenes that make us cry immediately. The past few weeks, I have found shows that it will get to an episode that I should stop watching then and there. But yet I feel like I want to watch it more. I want to try to push past the images that will show up in my nightmares, the episodes that my therapist would say, "absolutely do not watch this show". Is it my stubbornness to just do it to see why? I won't mention the shows or movies so because I don't want to trigger someone.
But why do we do the things we do to somewhat get the feeling of a trigger? I don't find myself doing it constantly. It's some sort of thrill. Some feeling of wrong. A feeling of doing what you're told not too, which I've also heard to be stubbornness. So how can we be stronger and immediately turn off that show and be strong enough to take ourselves out of the moment and separate the tv from our traumas. We have to practice. We have to tell ourselves that it's ok to have our slip ups, but don't forget how far you have come. Try to focus on little steps forward. Talk to someone about the show you watched, not like a confession, but explain to a friend why the show was difficult or had an impact. I told my boyfriend about the newest series I started and had to stop after the 3rd one, because I knew it was going to get bad further on. We talked about the show and he mentioned looking up the show ahead of time to see if the plot maybe ok not to see. He also recommend my favorite show the office, which is always a yes to watch. I'm not saying we survivors have to avoid tv and movies that feature drama, but make ourselves more aware. Each experience like this just makes us stronger.
We are not perfect, and we all have a lower days. This was a new topic for me. We are survivors. We are getting stronger to telling our stories as stories and not traumas. We are thrivers. We find ways and paths to make toward happiness and try everyday. We're all getting there, so keep looking forward.
-DC xoxo
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